From The Damage
by RebeldeDreamer
Summary: Lucas' POV. Oneshot going inside of Lucas' head in 518, how I wish things would have gone in the finale. Lucas/Peyton


**A/N**: Another oneshot, I guess I'm in an LP mood as of late which I can honestly say is a shock no matter how much I love them. But anyway, it's inspired from the O-Town song, From the Damage (stop looking at me that way it fits the situation a lot), from Lucas' POV, its just a long drabble on how I wish his thought process happened in 5.18.

* * *

_This time  
I'm done with always screwing up  
I'm sick of one direction down  
I'm a broken picture frame  
My whole world twisted inside out_

It was time to be that better Lucas Scott. The Lucas Scott that Keith would have been proud of; I didn't even know who I was anymore, it's like slowly but surely these past 3 years I was being changed into this shell of a person and then…and then she came back.

_Screaming  
Are voices like a hurricane  
Telling me to wake up  
Get out of bed  
Put your feet on the floor  
There's fresh air out the door  
_

Your art matters Lucas, it's what got me here. Her words affected me deeply, it was no coincidence that later that night I was working on my second book. It was no coincidence the book was about her no matter how much I tried to deny it. I was always afraid to never be good enough in the eyes of Peyton Sawyer, her beautiful hazel-green eyes. The girl, now woman, that I was to be hopelessly in love with forever. The one person that had the power to make or break me, oh how she had broken me. But her words, just like her sketches were healing. And once she said how much my book meant to her I knew that was all that mattered and all I cared about at that point was pleasing her even if I had a girlfriend at the time. I guess it only made sense to bury that immense feeling; I had suffered enough hadn't I, didn't I deserve to be happy? If only I had known then that the only key to my happiness lay in the girl that I had loved from the moment I laid my eyes on her.

_And I've been acting so pathetic  
Knocking around like a ball on a string  
It's taking time for me to get it  
I'm ready and willing to do anything  
To make it up to you_

Could I really have been any more of an idiot? When Haley told me that I had broken Peyton's heart I didn't want to believe her, I didn't want to have to face my feelings in response to that discovery. And then I saw it and the words from my book hit me like a ton of bricks…and the boy saw a comet. Her art once again was bringing me to life and _Lovesong_. She was there all along, she would always be there and I had crushed her soul, for that I couldn't forgive myself. When I went to see her I stopped at the door like I usually did, it was a way of preparing myself for seeing her. I was preparing myself because every time I saw her it felt like my heart would stop; after all these years there was no difference though I was also mentally preparing myself for the wrath she would unleash on me but it never came and I almost wish it did. Why? Because I never deserved her. It just proved what an amazing soul she had, just like 

she had the power to damage me I had the power to damage her and I did and she just accepted my non-apology. She just understood me, she listened, she didn't tell me what to feel but she listened and she understood. When she told me about her dream I was surprised to say the least. I know she said it because she lost me but I didn't want it that way and I saw it now. I didn't want her to want to marry me because I wouldn't be with her otherwise; I wanted it to come genuinely from her heart. And the next time I asked her it would be because there was going to be another chance; I wasn't going to wait for my comet to come back to me, I was going to go after her.

_My arms are hurting so bad from being so empty  
My heart weighs like a ton 'cause it feels so heavy  
I'm standing here all alone  
Wishing that I could've known  
You just can't walk away  
From the damage_

Because of the suspension I decided I was going to need time off to think things over; a break from the whole world but I was going to miss the girl who captivated me with her tangled mess and skinny arms. The girl who was hard to let go; no it wasn't hard, it was impossible. Like I had told her the summer before senior year of high school; _it was always gonna be there_. Just like I had made love overrated, I made the word always overrated as well, but there was an immense meaning to the word that I hadn't known until now. I've never been so alone in my life. I'm one of those people that always need someone around, someone to offer anything: sympathy, friendship, love and at this point in my life I was truly alone. When I was young and life was simpler I had my mom and Haley, then I thought I was going to have Peyton but it didn't work out so it was Brooke and from then on it seemed everytime I couldn't have Peyton there was someone else ready to fill in the void in my heart a bit. I've caused so much damage with my needs, but most of all, to my Peyton. She suffered every time I went to someone else but it was instinct for me; she had this power over me that I couldn't come close to controlling and I didn't want to hurt anymore so I would push her away when in reality I just wanted her and she would come back to me as always but there I was again protecting myself. I didn't like getting hurt but I realized she's worth the hurt and I had to save her once again from the damage I had caused.

_Last time  
Playing with a broken string  
It don't matter no one's listening  
'Cause losing you has made me see  
I've gotta change  
Gotta blame it  
All on me_

It's funny how I told Peyton I hated her in a way because I hate myself for putting her in that position. I wasn't too keen on Nathan and Haley's marriage but I supported them because they were my family and I knew that other people would not be supportive but it wasn't something I ever thought about for my immediate future- marriage. I knew Peyton and I'd like to believe even now that I still know her. I know the way she feels and yet I asked her, I was on my own kamikaze mission. Who was I to pressure her for marriage at 19, had I not learned anything? I wanted that family so bad that I didn't stop and think for a second that it wasn't the right time, that seems to be my problem, I never get the timing right. I know both of us made our mistakes but I'm just so tired of running now, so tired of hiding how I feel only to 

realize that hiding it doesn't change the way I feel. I miss her. I do.

_My eyes may as well be blind if I just can't see you  
If I just can't see you  
My hands may as well be tied 'cause I just can't touch you  
Touch you_

I was so lost those 3 years without her that it further supported my own words of the comet and bringing meaning into the scientist's life. I needed to give my soul a rest; I needed to mend my heart. I needed her. I never thought in my life I'd be the cause of so much hurt; I never thought I could ever be dense. I always felt I held the upper hand at least in intelligence until now; the answer had been simple all along; follow my heart, yet I seemed to do the exact opposite many times in my life. I simply needed Peyton Sawyer in my life, I tried selfishly to keep my heart intact and have her as my friend but it was impossible, I always wanted more and it was unfair to her and unfair to both our hearts.

_Before  
The smoke can really clear away  
From fires  
I started yesterday  
I know I've gotta find a way  
Somehow I've gotta find a way to wake up  
From the damage_

I had to make it right. I needed to make it right. My life was destined to be with Peyton Sawyer and no one else. I was too ruined to be with anybody else. I had caused enough damage. I accused Dan of destroying the lives of all those he touched but I was doing the same thing unconsciously, but I could fix it; there would be no other Brookes or Lindseys, there was only Peyton and that was all my life, my heart would ever need. I just needed her to believe that now.

_I'm standing here all alone  
Wishing that I could've known  
You just can't walk away  
From the damage_

I stood at the door of her office; she seemed caught up in her work so she hadn't noticed me until I knocked on the door. With all the courage I had in me I opened my mouth to speak the most truthful words I'd spoken in a long while, 'I'm sorry Peyton, you need to know that and however long it takes I will show you that I love you and have never stopped loving you.'


End file.
